Sweet Daddy Dee: Is there one other brother in the house tonight?
[sees a black man]
Sweet Daddy Dee: Oh! Yo, dawg; RUN!


Walter: How long've you been married?
Jeff Dunham: Fifteen years.
Walter: You'll see.
Jeff Dunham: See what?
Walter: Remember when you said, "'Til death do us part"?
Jeff Dunham: Yeah.
Walter: Later you'll realize you were actually setting a goal.


Walter: Dumbass.


Jeff Dunham: What are you doing?
Peanut: [exaggerated Japanese accent] Oh, speaking Japanese!
Jeff Dunham: You don't know Japanese.
Peanut: Yeah, I do; Toyota.
[audience laughs]
Peanut: Oh, Godzilla!
Jeff Dunham: That's not right.
Peanut: Oh, you're right; it'd be...
[opens mouth and nothing comes out until after it closes]
Peanut: Godzilla!


Jeff Dunham: What's your favorite beer?
Bubba J.: An open one.
Jeff Dunham: How do you know when you drink too much?
Bubba J.: I run out.


Peanut: Look, I know I didn't finish school but that frickin' says 'Sa ntah ah nah!'


Jeff Dunham: Do you have a drinking problem?
Bubba J.: Nah, I have it pretty much figured out.


Walter: Shut the hell up!


Jeff Dunham: [Dunham is trying to convince Peanut what a great city Santa Ana is] There's a lot of history in this city...
Peanut: Translated:
[as Peanut moves an arm as if to point at imaginary words]
Peanut: Old as SHIT!


Peanut: Then to really screw with him I said, stop sign, turn around, thank you, doing doing, horse shoe, turtle, digadigadiga.


Jeff Dunham: The drive from the valley?
Peanut: Was bad as hell!
Jeff Dunham: Traffic?
Peanut: Sucked like hell!
Jeff Dunham: Drivers?
Peanut: Angry as hell!
Jeff Dunham: And you?
Peanut: Were scared as hell!
Jeff Dunham: Parking?
Peanut: Sucked more like hell!
Jeff Dunham: So?
Peanut: We're in hell!


Walter: Welcome to Wal-Mart. Get your shit and get out. Have a nice day.


Jeff Dunham: You know, you don't have to do this.
Walter: Yeah, I could get a real job.
Jeff Dunham: [chuckles] What would you do.
Walter: I wanna be a greeter at Wal-Mart.
[audience laughs]
Walter: What the hell's so funny?
Jeff Dunham: At Wal-Mart, what would be your opening line?
Walter: Oh.
[clears throat]
Walter: Welcome to Wal-Mart, get your shit and get out!
[audience laughs]
Walter: Have a nice day.


Walter: My wife and I heard that coffee's good for your sex life.
Jeff Dunham: Coffee?
Walter: Yeah.
Jeff Dunham: Is it?
Walter: No. It kept me awake through the whole damn thing! I actually had to participate. Doctor said it's bad for my heart, too.
Jeff Dunham: All the caffeine?
Walter: No, seeing my wife naked.
Jeff Dunham: That's awful.
Walter: Oh, you've seen her, too?
Jeff Dunham: So, is coffee good for the sex life or not?
Walter: I don't know. But, they're never gonna let us back into that Starbucks again.


Jeff Dunham: Dear Walter, can you recommend a good proctologist?
[Walter nudges towards Jeff]


Jeff Dunham: Dear Walter, time and time again, I have filled out this sheet six times. You never answer my question. What gives?
Walter: Let's skip that one.


Walter: [talking about being married] You can't look at other women, now. You can't talk to 'em. You can't do nothing.
Jeff Dunham: What're talking about?
Walter: I'll show you what I'm talking about. Do you see this lovely young lady sitting right here in the front row? Do you see her? Do you see her?
Jeff Dunham: Yeah.
Walter: Oh well!


Walter: I used to chase skirts all over the world, until I got to Scotland, and, Boy, was I surprised!


Walter: [answering questions submitted by the audience] "Why do I gag on my tootbrush but not when I'm performing oral sex on my boyfriend?" Well, obviously, the toothbrush is bigger.


Bubba J.: AA is for quitters.


José Jalapeño: Do not drop me, Señor.
Jeff Dunham: I won't drop you, José.
José Jalapeño: I will then be José Jalapeño On The Floor.
Peanut: Do a little tap dance and we got salsa!
Jeff Dunham: That's terrible!
Peanut: Not with the right kind of chips it's not.
Jeff Dunham: Stop it! I'm sorry, José.
José Jalapeño: It's okay.
Jeff Dunham: Okay.
José Jalapeño: I kick his ass later.
Peanut: I'll turn your ass into guacamole!
Jeff Dunham: Stop it.
Peanut: I'll stir you with you're own stick!
Jeff Dunham: Stop it.
Peanut: [makes a stirring motion with his arm] This is the way we stir the guac! Stir the guac! Stir the guac! OLÉ!


Jeff Dunham: And you're happy to be here?
Peanut: What?
Jeff Dunham: You're happy to be here?
Peanut: Oh yes I am!
[lays head on Jeff's shoulder; Jeff pushes him away]
Peanut: Just last week I was lying in bed and I woke up sobbing 'I will never be happy until we return to SA-NA-TA-ANA!' And now we're here! Thank you for bringing me!


Jeff Dunham: Are you married?
Bubba J.: Yep.
Jeff Dunham: Your wife pretty?
Bubba J.: Ye... no!
Jeff Dunham: What's the difference?
Bubba J.: The light.


Jeff Dunham: So did you date for a while?
Bubba J.: Yup.
Jeff Dunham: You propose?
Bubba J.: No, her daddy did that.
Jeff Dunham: How did that happen?
Bubba J.: I went over to her house one night, was supposed to pick her up at seven, showed up at seven thirty. Her daddy was out on the porch with his shotgun, he said, "Hey, Bubba J! Guess who else is late?"


Jeff Dunham: Walter, what exactly is marriage to you?
Walter: It's like drinking a slurpy.
Jeff Dunham: A slurpy.
Walter: First couple of sips, it's like "Boy this is really good! I'm glad I did this!" Then you keep drinking, it goes right to your head, and you go "Ow, Ow, Ooooow! What the hell was I thinking? Someone kill me please!"
Jeff Dunham: It eventually stops hurting.
Walter: Yeah, and then you're stupid enough to take another freakin' sip!


Jeff Dunham: So, José, what makes you happiest in life?
José Jalapeño: My BMW.
Jeff Dunham: You have a BMW?
Peanut: Yeah, a Big Mexican Woman.
José Jalapeño: On a stick!